


I am not a machine

by cute_lil_fluff



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Caring siblings, Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Insecure Alec, Insecurities, Izzy is lovely, LIKE EVER, M/M, Sibling bond, This is my favourite bond, body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-12
Updated: 2016-04-12
Packaged: 2018-06-01 22:32:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6539128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cute_lil_fluff/pseuds/cute_lil_fluff
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He looks in the mirror and all he sees is a machine, trained to fight and kill and obey orders and <i>kill</i>.</p><p>There's nothing nice about.</p><p>Nothing that could be loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am not a machine

**Author's Note:**

> So it's like midnight right now and I'm pretty certain that this is rubbish and I might take it down and I haven't even read through it but it's the first time I've ever written over 1000 word in one sitting and without editing and so I thought I might as well post it. Please don't tell me that it's awful, I already know.

Sometimes – most of the time – Alec can't stand to look at himself in the mirror.

He looks at his body, his face, his everything, and all he sees is the _you're not good enough_ s and the _you should try harder_ s. From his parents and his trainers and anyone who thought that they had the right to make a comment on how good he was.

How worthy he was.

He looks in the mirror and all he sees is a machine, trained to fight and kill and obey orders and _kill_. There's nothing nice about. Nothing that could be loved.

Previously, he'd been so cut off from his feelings that being an emotionless being wasn't a problem for him. But now he has someone that he's supposed to impress, someone who he's supposed to make love him.

But looking at his body – the machine – all he can see is something made for destruction and fighting and obeying.

And he can't stand it.

Alec's eyes lock on his own in the bathroom mirror and he drops.

He can't do this.

He throws himself back into the shower even though he'd only just left it a few minutes ago. He turns on the water, not caring about adjusting the temperature and reaches for his sponge.

He scrubs at his skin, rubbing it raw as he tries to wash away all the hurt that this body has caused, all the hurt that this body is.

He scrapes the sponge over his arms and his stomach and his legs until his skin is raw and burning in the stream of water. For a moment, he's in no control of what he's doing. He just desperately wants this body to be different.

He doesn't want it to be a machine. He doesn't want it to be trained and ordered around like a robot. He wants to be a person.

Your body is supposed to be your home. Where you feel strong and powerful and comfortable. But Alec just feels stuck, trapped, claustrophobic.

He turns off the water again when his right wrist begins to shine with blood from where he's been rubbing it so hard, scraping at the skin over and over again. He drops the sponge and grabs a towel to wrap around himself, suddenly cold, vulnerable.

Alone.

He'd quick to get dressed without looking in the mirror again. He keeps his back to it as he pulls on his sweats and T shirt. It's dark outside his window when he walks back into his room, surprised that he'd been in the bathroom for so long. He'd lost track of time.

He runs the towel over his hair before chucking it in the laundry hamper, still feeling a little strange. Like he wasn't completely there, he was just going through the motions that he was used to through no control of his own.

He sits down on the edge of his bed and wraps his arms around himself, looking around the room almost expecting to see the real him walk out of the bathroom at any moment.

He's never been comfortable with asking for help of support or comfort before. Except from when he was really young and he'd crawl into his parents' bed when he was scared.

He'd quickly learnt – been taught – that being vulnerable was a bad thing, and that if he was ever feeling weak or defenceless, that he should keep it to himself.

And that he should never go to his parents.

Right now, though, he needs it otherwise he might just go even further out of his mind. And he knows one person that would welcome him with open arms, as he had done for them so many times.

He makes his way over to the door across from his in record time, knocking on the wood hesitantly. “Come in.” Izzy's voice rings out like a familiar tune, calming Alec a bit just with those two words.

He pushes the door open and leans against it, looking over at his sister. She's sat at her dressing table, hair pushed back by a headband, make up half done and a wipe in her hand. She's obviously getting ready for bed herself.

“Hi big brother, you okay?” She asks, turning back to the mirror and running the fabric over her face again.

“Yeah, I- I was just wondering if I could hang out in here for a while. You know …” Isabelle smiles to herself, then turns to him with the warmest expression Alec thinks that he's ever seen directed at him.

“Of course you can. How could I ever say no to your company, huh?” Alec laughs then enters the room properly, shutting the door behind him before going to sit down on her bed, back resting against the headboard and legs curled up in front of him.

He watches in a mutual silence as she wipes off the rest of her make up, the fashions a braid down the back of her head with skilled fingers. After, she quickly changes into one of Alec's old T shirts – that she had definitely stolen from his laundry – and some shorts.

She wastes no time in crawling into bed next to her brother, waiting to talk until they're both settled under her comforter and the room is only being lit by the lamp on her bedside table, casting a warm yellow glow over the pair of them.

“What's wrong?” She asks, knowing whenever something wasn't quite right with him but knowing not to push it right away. She knew from experience that if he wasn't comfortable and felt completely safe, she would just be pushing him away.

“I'm sorry that I never talk to you.” He says, pulling the covers up over his shoulders and scooting down in the bed slightly. “You always tell me things about you but I never tell you anything about me. I'm sorry for being an awful big brother.”

“Alec, you could never be a bad brother. Believe me, you're the best brother I could have ever asked for. You're my favourite person.” Alec smiles and sighs when she runs a hand through his curls. “I know that you find it hard to open up to people, and that mum and dad never let you do that. I just know that it would be good for you.”

“I think you're right.”

“I'm always right.”

“Of course you are, Izzy.” Alec smiles at his amazing little sister, before beckoning her forward. “Come here. Cuddle me, for old time's sake.”

“How could I refuse?” Izzy replies, snuggling in close to her older brother's chest and sighing when he rubs a hand over her back, soothing her into one of the best night's sleeps she's had in a long while.

Knowing that both her and Alec were _safe_ and _happy_ in that moment, in that space, let her sleep peacefully.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like it, as always, please reblog [this](http://virginshadowhunter-energy.tumblr.com/post/142706654576/i-am-not-a-machine-malec) on [my tumblr](virginshadowhunter-energy.tumblr.com).


End file.
